


to the waters and the wild

by violetmessages



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Alternate Universe - Victorian, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Fae & Fairies, M/M, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:48:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28850844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetmessages/pseuds/violetmessages
Summary: “Beautiful, isn’t it?”Tosh whirled around. She’d thought she was alone, she’d expected it.Then she locked eyes with the most beautiful woman she’d ever seen, a woman who seemed to radiate an ethereal glow, a woman that emanated an otherworldly light.
Relationships: Gwen Cooper/Toshiko Sato, Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones, one-sided Toshiko Sato/Owen Harper
Comments: 46
Kudos: 23
Collections: Torchwood Fan Fests: 2021 Femslash Fest





	1. overture

**Author's Note:**

> This fic would not be possible without both Ruairidh ([someawkwardprose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/someawkwardprose)) and Nik ([princessoftheworlds](https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessoftheworlds/pseuds/princessoftheworlds)), thank you both so so much! An additional thank you to Louise ([engagemythrusters](https://archiveofourown.org/users/engagemythrusters)). <3
> 
> Written for Torchwood Fan Fest's Femslash Fest
> 
> This fic is fully written and will be posted on a regular schedule.

“Toshiko,” came her mother’s voice, but it was faint and echoing, almost like she was underwater. “ _Itoshī anata_ , where are you?”

“Here, _Haha_ ,” Tosh called out, running through the woods, her dress getting caught on roots, branches and brambles scratching her face, but she kept on going, chasing after the voice of her mother that kept getting fainter and fainter until it all but disappeared. And she still kept running, deeper and deeper through the woods. The light of the sun flickered and faded out, till there was nothing but blackness, the cruel and unkind night emerging, rising, swallowing everything in its midst. 

She tripped on a root and toppled, not onto the ground like she expected, but kept falling, deeper and deeper, the blackness of her vision turning an emerald green, the color of leaves and grass and something else, something ancient and something that didn’t care about her or anything else but simply _was._ She fell and fell and fell and then-

Tosh woke up with a gasp, heart pounding out of her chest. It was the same dream she’d been having for months now, always her in the forest, running after the voice of her mother until she tripped and fell. The amount of times she’d had this dream was baffling; surely, her subconscious had to understand that the dream wouldn’t be conducive to her mental state. 

Because while listening to her dead mother call out for her was in and of itself extremely traumatic, it was the falling part that truly made her shiver. She felt this strangeness while she was falling, like she was entering a place that was different from the here and now. 

Regardless, the sun had made its way, peeking above the solid entrance of the horizon, and it was time to get up. She did not exactly have any schedule, but Jack would surely miss her for breakfast if she dawdled. And, of course, Owen. 

Tosh swung out of bed, wincing as the ice-cold floor hit the bare soles of her feet, and quickly pulled on her stockings, which she had handily left on the side of the bed, and tied on her garters. As she put on and tied her shoes, she thought that it was these times, when she had to dress herself, that a helper might be handy. 

Jack had offered to get her as many maids as she wanted - there was very little he wouldn’t do for her - but she’d declined. Tosh was used to getting dressed with her mother’s help, and she felt it would be far too painful to do it with anyone else. So she had to do it alone. Not that she minded too much, but on cold days, she thought it might be nice to have someone else fetch things for her. 

Smoothing down her combinations, Tosh laced her corset and fitted it on, pulling the strings taut and tying them neatly. She tied on her pockets and bustle, then pulled a petticoat overtop. Then came the hard part - her skirts.

Her mother had helped her lift her skirts over her head, so that Tosh could dress easier, but now she was all alone. It was heavy, full, and a little uncomfortable to do by herself, but she managed to tie it on, then fasten on the bodice by staring into the large ornate mirror on the side of the room. 

She’d do, she supposed. It wasn’t like there were really people who would notice her. There was Jack, who was more of a father to her than her actual, deceased one, who would encourage her to frolic about in just her petticoats if it would make her happy. There was Ianto, Jack’s valet, who, although propriety forbade anyone from speaking about it, only had eyes for Jack and vice versa. And then there was Owen. 

Owen, who was the most attractive man she’d ever met, who had studied to be a doctor, who would talk to her about physics and ethics and phlebotomy, but wouldn’t give her the time of day otherwise. 

It wasn’t that Owen didn’t like her. It was quite the opposite. He was nice, once you got past the layer of snark and acerbic language, and he always made time to ask her about her research. But he wouldn’t even suggest the notion of anything further than a friendly conversation. Once, Jack had laughed about her and Owen engaging in a forbidden romance, and he’d looked so disgusted that it wiped the blushed happiness clean off her face. 

As she walked down the hallways of the Torchwood Estate, Tosh sighed, thinking desperately about Owen. It was true; many would immediately take a dislike to her after looking at her - her heritage made many scoff and turn their noses up. But Owen wasn’t like that. He didn’t care where she was from; he just didn’t like her in that way. And that made it so much harder to deal with. She could dismiss the others, but she couldn’t dismiss him from her mind. 

She sat down at her place at the large table and waited for the others to join her. It wasn’t long until Jack came from his wing, Ianto beside him, and they both sat down next to her. The cook, Mrs. Brady, set down a tray of dry toast, eggs, and a tea kettle before leaving again.

“Good morning, Toshiko,” Jack exclaimed, smiling wide and bright. “You look lovely today! Tell me, is that a new dress?”

“You ask me this question every day.” Tosh laughed, helping herself to some toast. “It’s not - you’ve seen this one before.”

“It’s a good color - suits you,” said Jack. “Do you want more?”

“What, dresses?” Tosh asked. “I’d actually like some new parts if you’re offering.”

“Anything you like.” Jack grinned, shoving a large bite of bread into his mouth. “Give your list to Ianto.”

Her eyes met Ianto's, both, grimacing at Jack’s manners. For a lord, he did tend to be quite messy, and he talked with food in his mouth far too often for one of his standing. 

“Manners,” suggested Ianto, pouring himself and Jack tea. “Would you like some?”

“Yes, please,” she said, holding out her teacup, and he poured some into her cup. Tosh held it thankfully, the hot cup warming her hands. It was not exactly the proper way to hold the cup, but Jack didn’t care, and so neither did she. 

Tosh had been quite lucky to be a ward of Jack’s. He didn’t really care what she did, he didn’t expect anything from her, and it was to her advantage. Many other women her age would have been married off or at least forced to partake in more “womanly'' activities, like embroidery or scrapbooking, two such hobbies that never really interested her, even though she knew how to do them quite well. 

Instead, he’d let her have control of her schedule, given her full access to his stocked library, and even paid for every single tool she needed to finish any projects she wanted. 

She was currently working on creating a differential analyser by studying James Thompson’s full collection of research reports. The main body was quite easy to build, and she and was in the process of developing an integraph based off of the original design. 

“No Owen?” she asked, trying not to look too interested. 

“I think he’s still sleeping,” said Ianto. 

“He was hitting the liquor quite harshly last night,” Jack said, trying to hide the smile on his face. “I’d be surprised if he got up before dinner.”

Tosh wondered how Owen managed to become a doctor when he seemed to drink himself to a stupor once a week. Not that Owen needed to be a doctor. He was Jack’s cousin, heir to a sizable estate, and probably wouldn’t have to work in his life. Not that he did much now. Once, a while back, Tosh knew that he had once trained and worked hard in London. But he didn’t do anything now, simply staying with Jack. And drinking. 

Tosh finished her breakfast, and excused herself, walking quickly to the library. There stood her invention. She looked at it proudly before rolling up her sleeves, metaphorically of course, and getting to work. 

The next few hours were spent deep in research. She didn’t look up until she heard the faint sounds of the clock chiming and felt her stomach rumble. It was then that she realized that it was past four, and she’d missed both lunch and afternoon tea. 

Stumbling down to the kitchen, Tosh gnawed on a piece of cold chicken pie, hoping it would satiate her until dinner. Then she walked back upstairs to the library, expecting to get some more work done. 

Instead, she found Jack and Ianto, both in various states of undress, kissing furiously against one of the walls. She gasped, turning red, and they broke away and stared at her in shock.

“Tosh,” Jack rasped, looking quite embarrassed. “I thought you were-”

“I’m going to take a walk,” she managed to say before turning on her heel and running out, skirts flying everywhere, face burning.

She jogged past the back entrance and ran into the dense foliage behind. She kept running deeper inside, and even though something told her to head back, she ignored it. It wasn’t new to her - she had known about Jack and Ianto’s affections towards each other. But to see it in person?

The air turned colder, even more than usual for the crisp air of September. She felt a weird feeling in her chest, a sense of oddness, and she began to slow down, her breath catching, hitching in her chest, and she rested her hands on her thighs and gasping for air. She hadn’t run that long in ages. 

It was then that Tosh truly looked around at where she was. She was in a part of the woods that she’d never been in - not that she’d ever really explored it. This was odd; this place was odd. But she didn’t feel odd. She felt at peace.

It seemed she’d walked into a warmer part of the forest. The light glimmered off the trees in odd patterns, sending gold and green light patterns everywhere. In front of her was a lively dapping brook, the water flowing in a steady stream, hitting against the rocks beautifully. It almost took her breath away again, how lovely it was. 

Tosh looked around, wondering how she’d gotten to this place, this truly lovely place. Leaning against a tree, she smiled, watching the stream flow. It was eerily quiet, only the sounds of flowing water hitting her ears. There were no birds, no animals, and no people around.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?”

Tosh whirled around. She’d thought she was alone, she’d expected it.

Then she locked eyes with the most beautiful woman she’d ever seen, a woman who seemed to radiate an ethereal glow, a woman that emanated an otherworldly light. She was tall and lithe, her dark hair pulled back elegantly, wearing nothing but a puffy white shirt that didn’t cover her forearms, a back corset, and a black skirt that covered up to her shins, basically underthings, clothing she wouldn’t dare wear outside the privacy of her room. 

She was not wearing shoes. 

Instead of asking anything rational, Tosh felt compelled to point this fact out to her.

“Shoes?” She laughed, a laugh that rang throughout the forest, almost like it was echoing. It was high and musical and made Tosh want to get close to the woman, like it was dragging her in. Like it was magnetic.

“Well, aren’t you cold?” Tosh mangled out. Her tongue had somehow turned to lead within her mouth.

The woman laughed again, which sent tingles of _something_ down Tosh’s spine. She all but skipped closer, moving in a fluid motion towards her, almost like she was dancing an invisible dance, one that was known to none but her. She extended out her hand, her small pale hand, unblemished and glowing with some kind of energy that Tosh couldn’t see but could feel one that was not like anything she’d ever felt before. 

“Do I feel cold?” the woman asked, shaking her hand again. 

Tosh reluctantly took it, clasping it gently between her own, and felt a sort of warmness, not a physical one, but a feeling, a feeling of warmth, of fire and coal and rage, deep deep rage, like when a man cut down a tree and the roots sang out for its missing parts or when a flower, dancing in the wind was unfairly plucked before it’s time and the plant faded away. The rage of a thousand suns and a million plants against the onslaught of machine, oil and metal taking over, ripping the buds from the flowers, setting fire to the trees, burning the whole of humanity, the rage of the forest, the greenery, fighting back of nature, the woman’s nature against it against the silver men that crawled out of a void and consumed, ate and ate and _ate_ till nothing remained.

She quickly let go, backing away a few paces. “Who are you?” she asked, in a horrified voice, unable to get the image of the metal men out of her head.

“My name is Gwen,” the other woman responded, still smiling. “I live over there.” At this, she pointed behind Tosh, behind the brook. 

“Oh,” said Tosh, still uneasy. “This must be your land then, I guess I ran further than I thought. I’ve never been here before.”

“You live on the Torchwood Estate, don’t you?” Gwen asked. “I know where it is, don’t worry. I’ll take you home.”

“Thank you,” Tosh responded gratefully. “I’m sorry I wandered onto your property.”

“Oh, don’t be sorry.” Gwen laughed her twinkling laugh. “I don’t get many visitors. It’s quite lonely sometimes.”

“Do you live alone?” Tosh asked curiously. “Is that why you dress like that?”

“Dress like what?”

“Well, I don’t mean to be rude.” she flushed. “But it’s not quite the fashion nowadays to wander around in undergarments.”

Gwen laughed again. She held her hand out, and Tosh unconsciously grabbed ahold of it, reveling in her smooth skin against her palm. This time there was no image, no nightmarish visions, but there was still a warmth to Gwen’s skin. They began to walk slowly, back the way Tosh came.

“I live with my family,” she explained. “They don’t mind how I dress. In fact, most people wear this sort of thing. It gets quite uncomfortable to move around in as many layers as you’re wearing.”

“But it’s September,” Tosh said in surprise. “And you’re not even wearing shoes. I mean, the forest floor must be dangerous to walk on barefoot.”

“I’m used to it,” said Gwen. “I’ve lived here my entire life, and I’ve never worn shoes.”

“Your entire life?”

“It’s quite peaceful,” responded Gwen, and Tosh noticed her face took on a loving expression. “Don’t you have a place like that?”

“My library,” said Tosh instantly. “Well, technically it’s my guardian’s library, but he doesn’t use it, so I’ve basically taken it on as my own. I’m building a differential analyser there.”

“What does that do?” Gwen asked.

Tosh smiled and began to babble on about machinery and the calculations she was running and how the machine had uses beyond her imagination and her hopes and failures about it. She kept talking and talking, and Gwen kept listening and listening, until they reached the end of the woods and Tosh could see the Torchwood estate a few paces ahead of her, where the trees finally cleared.

“Home.” Gwen smiled, but made no move to release Tosh’s hand.

“I’m sorry if I talked about my project the entire time,” Tosh said, embarrassed. “I tend to ramble on if people don’t stop me.”

“Don’t worry, it was very adorable,” she responded, grinning at her widely. “I hope you’ll come to see me again. Maybe we can talk more about this?”

“Where do I find you?” Tosh asked. “Where do you live?”

“Just keep walking the way you came until you hit that stream,” Gwen explained. “I’ll be there.”

“It’s a plan,” Tosh said, smiling back, and Gwen took their clasped hands and raised them to her lips. She pressed a kiss to Tosh’s hand, then released it.

“See you around,” she said, then turned around and skipped into the woods, black skirt flashing everywhere, pale skin gleaming under the forest light. Tosh stood there, stunned, unable to move for a few moments, until the glowing orange of the forest reminded her that it was soon dark and she’d better head home before she got caught by any animals. 

Tosh ran up to her room and freshened herself up for dinner - she had not really prepared for any kind of walk in the woods, and consequently, her nice dress was partially covered in mud and soil, and branches stuck out from the bottom. It wasn’t _ruined,_ but she couldn’t wear it for a while. She changed her skirts and put on a new bodice, then walked down for dinner, where she found Jack, Ianto and Owen already seated. 

“New dress?” Jack commented. “Is there a celebration I’ve missed?”

Apparently, they had both privately decided on their own to put the incident in the library out of their minds and never talk of it. Lucky for her.

“No, I just took a walk in the woods and ruined my other dress. I should have prepared better,” she explained, a little guilty.

“It’s just a dress; you can get a new one,” said Jack, generous as always. “Was it nice, at least?”

“Oh yeah, the walk was very nice. I got lost, and this girl helped me find my way home,” said Tosh.

“This girl?” asked Owen sarcastically. “Did she magically appear out of nowhere then?”

“No,” she responded, rolling her eyes. “She said she lived there with her family. I walked past our estate onto hers.”

“She lives there?” asked Jack, confused. “I thought our estate went on for acres.”

“It does,” said Ianto, looking curiously at her. “It extends about a thousand acres into the woods. If I’m being perfectly honest, I didn’t think the woods were habitable.”

“Must have been _some_ walk,” Jack teased her, but she frowned. Had she really walked that far? 

“So Tosh met some kind of forest girl who lives on our land.” Owen snorted. “You know, some people say there are _creatures_ that live out in the woods.”

Tosh rolled her eyes. “Those don’t exist, Owen; I probably just walked for a while. I ended up in this place I’ve never been before.”

“I’m glad she was there,” Jack said. “I wouldn’t want you getting lost in the woods alone.”

“I was fine,” said Tosh. “Really, I wasn’t thinking properly or I would have never wandered that far.”

“Well, there are dangerous animals in those woods,” Jack warned her. “I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“Jack, I’m fine.” She smiled, extending out her hand to squeeze his reassuringly. His calloused hand felt so different from Gwen’s yet somehow she could still feel her tight grip.

“If you’re sure,” he said, still looking worried. 

“You’d better eat up then,” commented Ianto, giving her a smile. “You’ve walked a lot, and Mrs. Brady says she’s made a roast.”

Dinner was as it always was: Owen made several crude jokes that made her giggle under her breath, Ianto rolled his eyes so much that she would be afraid they’d fall out if not for the fact that she’d seen him do that every night, and Jack was his usual affable self, giving out ridiculous stories from his past, which made him seem far older than he actually was. The only difference was that when Jack asked her about her projects, which he did every night, she didn’t go on a long speech about it as usual, prompting Owen to roll his eyes and complain and Ianto to look like were he was not the most professional man in the world, he would hit Owen. Instead she kept her answers short and brief and pivoted the conversation away from her. 

Something about the day in the forest, and especially Gwen, wouldn’t leave her mind. She didn’t know what it was about her that made Tosh feel that way. For all intents and purposes, Gwen was just a girl, probably her age, who, despite being odd, was a very nice person. 

And yet something about her was different, in a way that made Tosh want to see her again.

Made Tosh _long_ to see her again.

And as she unfastened her bodice and underthings and took off her many layers of skirts and petticoats, Tosh wondered what was it about this girl, this odd, random woman who lived in the woods and didn’t wear shoes, that made her want to jump out of her window now and join her in the forest. She hadn’t even given Gwen her name. 

Laying in her bed, twisted so the silvery moonlight hit her face, she almost thought she could see a faint green glow from outside. 


	2. mezzo

The next morning, Tosh once again woke up in a cold sweat, the nightmare of her mother and falling through a forest having returned. However, this time, there was a slight difference. The trees didn’t look like normal trees; they looked almost emerald-colored. 

And yet it was the same nightmare, so she put it out of her mind and once again began the process of getting dressed. Like every morning, she wondered if Owen would even notice her, or if she was being honest, if Owen had even gotten up yet. 

Trudging languidly downstairs, Tosh wondered if this was her stock in life. Day in and day out, fulfilling the same tasks - breakfast, working on her machine, lunch, more machine, dinner, more machine, and perhaps some light reading before bed, and on and on and on again.

Not that she hated her life, by any means. But she had no one but her projects to keep her company, and although they gave her joy, it did get quite lonely at times. Jack, for all his merits, did not understand what she was doing; Ianto was lovely and listened to her when she talked, but he was Jack’s valet - and lover - and could not be expected to entertain all her lectures and rants about how her projects were or weren’t functioning. And then there was Owen. 

“Good morning, Toshiko,” Jack said brightly. “Don’t you look lovely this morning.”

“Morning, Tosh,” said Ianto, smiling at her. “Tea?”

“Good morning! Yes, please, Ianto,” Tosh responded, and gratefully accepted her teacup from Ianto. She dropped down onto her chair and sipped at it, the hot liquid warming her throat. 

“What are your plans for today?” asked Jack. 

“Well, I’m going to run some calculations for the analyzer. Don’t worry; I won’t explain it to you,” she said, laughing at the patiently confused expression on his face. “I should get the bulk of it done this week.”

“Well, that’s good!” Jack exclaimed. “If you need any other supplies, just write them down and give them to Ianto.”

“It’s always a mystery what you’ll need next.” Ianto smiled. “I never know what you’ll ask for or where to find it.”

“I’m sorry,” Tosh said, looking down at her cup. “I don’t mean to make you-“

“-It’s no bother,” Ianto cut her off. “Truly, it’s quite fun to track down some of the items. Plus, it gets me out of the house and away from him for a little while.”

Jack rolled his eyes but gave Ianto a fond expression after, like he’d be overjoyed at anything he said. Tosh wondered if she’d ever find someone like that, someone who would let her do whatever she wanted, wouldn’t expect much from her other than love, and most importantly, wouldn’t separate her from her family - from Jack. That was the worst part about marriage; she’d be moving away from Jack, away from the best man she knew, who took her in out of the kindness of his heart and treated her like his own daughter, even if they were only fifteen years apart. 

That’s when Owen made his way into the dining room, looking tired, recalcitrant, and hungover. Tosh frowned. Usually he kept his nightly drinking to once a week and didn’t drink consecutively. 

“Hello, Owen,” she said, smiling and patting the chair next to hers. “Had a good morning?”

He grunted, plopping down onto the chair and rubbing his eyes furiously and groaning.

“Looks like he’s had a good  _ night _ ,” said Ianto, raising his eyebrows, possibly in concern or amusement. 

“Oi, shut it,” Owen grumbled. “I don’t need it from you too. I heard enough last night from Jack.”

“Owen,” Jack started to say. “I know this is getting close to-”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” interrupted Owen. “I’m sorry I woke you up. Now can we _ please _ move on.”

Owen’s voice cracked by the end, and Tosh felt a burst of sympathy for him. Something else was going on, something she didn’t understand, and she placed a hand on his shoulder, rubbing gently. 

“Coffee?” asked Ianto, in an exceptionally soft voice, and Owen nodded, gulping down the strong smelling cup almost instantly. All three of them exchanged worrying looks when Owen swung up afterwards and left the room, not even eating anything. 

“What’s wrong with him?” asked Tosh quietly. Jack sighed, rubbing his face with his hands, and Ianto looked on curiously.

“It’s - it’s a long story,” he said. “It’s part of the reason why he came to live here, with us. I don’t think I should tell you; it would break his trust in me.”

“Is he alright?”

“He will be. Eventually. I hope,” Jack responded, looking at her with tired eyes. “I should take the liquor away from him, but I’m afraid that it’s the only thing helping him cope.”

“Maybe I could talk to him?” Tosh offered. “He might open up to me.”

“Perhaps,” said Jack, still looking stressed out. 

“Nothing wrong in trying,” declared Ianto, staring at Jack sadly. It must break your heart to see someone you loved like that. Owen was breaking hers.

Not that she wanted to love him. But she suspected she might already do so.

After breakfast, she spent the next few hours in the library, working on calculations and busying herself. She went down for lunch, for which she didn’t see Owen, and decided to visit him afterwards, bringing a plate for him. He must be hungry, having not even eaten breakfast. She balanced the plate in her left hand and knocked. 

“What?” Owen's voice came from inside. 

“It’s Tosh,” she said hesitantly. “I’ve got lunch.”

“Leave it and go,” he ordered. 

“Owen, I know you’re having a rough time right now. Jack told me this morning,” she said. “I know what that’s like, and I’m here for you. If you want to talk or-” 

The door swung open, and Owen stood there, glaring down at her. Tosh stared as he grabbed the plate from her and made to slam the door again, but she stuck her foot in before he could. 

“Really, Owen, I mean it. I know what it’s like-”

“Really?” He sneered at her. “You know what it’s like?”

“Well, I obviously don’t know your situation but-”

“You don’t know anything,” Owen snarled. “You’re a sheltered little girl who thinks she’s important and knows everything, but you don’t. So why don’t you stop pretending you know what it’s like to be me and bugger off. Go bother someone else for  _ once! _ ”

Tosh turned on her heel and ran, ran far past Owen’s room, all the way outside. Hot tears dripped down her face as she headed back into the woods, running deep into the woods just like yesterday, only this time she wasn’t just embarrassed, she was  _ crushed.  _

All her fears had been confirmed. She was a silly girl to him, one that he put up with because she was Jack’s ward. All their conversations, where she thought they were bonding, were actually her bothering him, annoying him. He was just too polite to ask her to shut up. 

Until now. 

Once again, she ran and ran and ran until she reached the babbling stream, where she collapsed against a nearby tree, placed her hands over her face, and sobbed. That was, until a pair of soft hands pried hers off her face. 

“What’s wrong?” asked Gwen, gently wiping the wetness of her face with the pads of her thumbs. The gesture made Tosh feel even more guilty - hadn’t she bothered enough people today?

“Nothing,” she mumbled, gasping for air. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh, darling, it’s clearly something,” Gwen said, smiling sympathetically at her. “Please, tell me.”

And so Tosh did. She blurted out the entire interaction with Owen today, her fears that had been confirmed, and how she felt - the deep, aching pain that she was nothing but a burden on everyone, on Owen, on Jack, even Ianto. And especially on Gwen, who didn’t even know her but was standing here, comforting her. 

“You’re not a bother,” Gwen said sternly, gently wiping away Tosh’s tears. “And that Owen fellow sounds like an arsehole anyway!”

“Gwen!” exclaimed Tosh, a little scandalized. She shrugged, and Tosh began to giggle, leaning her head against the bark of the tree. 

“I’m only telling the truth,” Gwen said, and cupped Tosh’s face with her hand. “Anyone who thinks you’re a bother isn’t worthy of your time.” 

Tosh blushed and stammered a thank you, which Gwen did not respond to. Instead, she stepped closer, almost pressing their bodies together, stopping just shy of being up against one another, and began to rake leaves out of Tosh’s hair. Silently, Tosh let her, unable to look away and worryingly, unwilling to as well.

They stayed there, Gwen pressing Tosh against a tree, Tosh staring at the expanse of Gwen’s exposed chest, her white shirt only covering just enough to be respectable, and thought about how, if she leaned forwards, she’d be able to press her lips to it. When she was done fussing with Tosh’s hair, Gwen pulled Tosh in for a hug, and she went willingly, wrapping her arms around Gwen’s waist. She smelled sweet, like fresh flowers, like the  _ sakura _ her mother used to have imported from home. Tosh wondered how she could smell like that. 

Then again, there was a lot that was strange about her. 

Gwen finally let go, and Tosh fought back an odd sense of disappointment that it was over. She stepped back and stuck out her hand to Tosh, who took it gratefully. 

“Do you know how to skip rocks?” asked Gwen. 

“I’ve never done that before,” Tosh confessed. “How do you do it?”

“Well, this stream is too shallow,” said Gwen. “But if you come with me, I’ll take you to the lake nearby, and I’ll show you.”

Tosh looked up at the sky. It was a clear and sunny day, and if she guessed, it was probably around one. 

“As long as I can get back home before dark,” said Tosh. “I don’t want anyone to worry. And I’ve been warned about animals in these woods.”

“I’ll get you home in time,” Gwen promised, looking incredibly sincere. “And don’t worry. No animal in these woods would dare to hurt you. Not when you’re with me.”

Tosh raised an eyebrow at the odd phrasing, but Gwen didn’t notice. She tugged at Tosh’s hand and started walking upstream with her, setting a brisk pace. Leaves and twigs and moss crunched beneath their feet, and Tosh winced, looking down at Gwen’s bare ones. 

“I could bring you shoes,” said Tosh. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“That’s so kind of you,” answered Gwen, smiling at her. “But it’s not necessary. Like I said, I’m used to it.”

“What if you wore mine?” asked Tosh. “I have stockings on underneath; that way, we’d both be protected.”

“Oh, darling.” Gwen laughed. “Truly, I’m alright. Please don’t worry about me.”

“If you insist,” she conceded. “How much further to the lake?” 

“It’s just a few paces that way,” Gwen said, pointing ahead. “It’s beautiful. I’ve always thought of it as my own. I’ve never brought anyone else to it before.”

“Thank you for bringing me,” said Tosh, touched that Gwen was sharing something this personal. Perhaps this was what it was like to have a friend. She’d never had one before; all the other girls she’d spoken to were either maids or had ignored her because she was from Japan. It made her feel a sort of giddiness inside, a joy that at least someone liked her. 

Perhaps the joy was not just that someone liked her, but Gwen liked her. 

Nevertheless, it was not long, and they reached the lake soon. Tosh marveled at the sight; it was enormous, blue water surrounded by rolling green hills as far as the eye could see. It was the most beautiful place she’d ever seen. 

“Oh,” Tosh said, rather stupidly.

“Breathtaking, isn’t it?” said Gwen, grinning wildly. She looked beautiful in the sunshine, almost glowing golden. Her face, filled with joy, made Tosh’s stomach twist. She wanted to reach out and  _ touch. _

“Yes,” she said. She wasn’t sure if she was talking about the lake or Gwen. 

“Come on!” Gwen grinned and tugged Tosh with her, running to the edge of the water. She waded in, getting the tops of her feet wet, and bent down, fumbling for something underneath the water. 

“What are you looking for?” asked Tosh, who had wisely stayed out of the water. 

“There are some good skipping rocks under here,” explained Gwen. “They have to be sort of flat.” 

She stood up, clutching a few rocks in both palms. Wading out, she dropped all but one on the ground and turned to Tosh. 

“Watch me,” she said, and stood straight, extending out her hand. In a flash, she threw it out, and it skipped, hitting the water six or seven times. Tosh gasped in delight. 

“How did you do that?” she asked in amazement. 

“It’s easy,” Gwen said. “Here, hold it like this.”

She placed a stone in Tosh’s hand, covering it with her own, and folded it just so. She let go, then gripped onto Tosh’s waist to position her, making Tosh blush. Pressing herself flush to Tosh’s back, she gripped Tosh’s wrist and mimed the motion. Then, regrettably, she let go.

“Just like that,” she said. “Give it a go.”

Tosh extended her arm and repeated the motion, tossing out the rock. It plopped disappointingly out into the water and disappeared.

“Oh,” said Tosh. “It didn’t work.”

“You’ve got to be a little faster, darling,” said Gwen. “Snap your wrist harder. Here, I’ll do it with you.”

Once again, Gwen pressed herself to Tosh’s back, placing a stone into her hand. She gripped her wrist, and this time, she did not let go, following through the motion once.

“Now this time, release,” said Gwen, and pulled her hand back. Tosh snapped out her wrist, and the stone flew over the lake, skipping once and then dropping into the water. 

“It worked!” cheered Tosh, and Gwen once again wrapped her arms around Tosh, hugging her tightly from the back. 

“I knew you could do it,” Gwen whispered into her ear. “My turn!”

It was late afternoon and the sun hung deep in the sky when Gwen finally broached the idea of heading home. Tosh didn’t want to, but she couldn’t stay in the forest all day, and she certainly couldn’t take up all of Gwen’s time. So Tosh secretly put a stone in her pocket, grasped Gwen’s hand, and began walking home. Just like yesterday, the walk seemed to take almost no time, even though Jack had insisted that his estate stretched out for acres. It certainly didn’t feel like she’d walked much. 

Before long, she could see the outline of the house up ahead, and Gwen stopped. 

“Come inside for dinner?” Tosh asked politely. “We’ve walked for quite a while.”

“Better not,” said Gwen, looking a bit regretful. “I should get home. Will you come visit me tomorrow?”

“I - yes,” she said. Her projects could wait because today, while out with Gwen, she felt  _ alive.  _

“Good,” said Gwen, and once again lifted their clasped hands up and kissed the back of Tosh’s hand, making her cheeks blush with warmth. 

Then Gwen let go and smiled once more. “See you tomorrow,” she said, and skipped into the woods. Tosh watched her disappear, then turned forwards to walk into the house. 

Gwen and the lake had melted away her previous tension, but the thought of having to see Owen again was bringing it back, and stronger this time. She didn’t want to face him - she didn’t want to talk to him. But she had to go home at some point. 

Maybe she could just avoid him for the rest of her life. 

_ Don’t be a coward,  _ she thought to herself and stuck her hand into her pocket, grasping the stone she’d pilfered for comfort. Oddly, it was warm, even though it had been in the cool water for hours. She took it out to examine and found that it had changed. Instead of being flat and slate grey, it was now a sparkling emerald, cut and finely polished. She stared at it in shock - did she not notice it when she put it in her pocket? And it was huge, bigger than any gemstone Tosh had seen before.

It was probably glass, a little fancy that someone had dropped and she’d inadvertently picked up. 

She placed it back into her pocket and trudged inside, heading straight for her room to change yet again. Unfortunately, in front of the door, sat Owen, looking distressed. 

“Owen,” she said, a little unkindly. “What?”

He leapt to his feet and hugged her, taking her by surprise. She startled, then finally hugged him back after a little. It was odd; even a few days ago, a hug from Owen would have floored her, made her feel like the most special person in the world. 

Now it was like hugging Ianto. Not that she had; she had to maintain some sort of propriety, but she thought it would be to the same effect. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, eyes wide and sincere. “I shouldn’t have yelled that at you. I was being a bastard and taking my anger out on you. Please forgive me.”

“You called me a bother,” she said, almost childishly. Owen’s face dropped a little more. 

“I didn’t mean it,” he begged. “I don’t think you’re a bother, and I like it when you talk to me about your projects. I shouldn’t have treated you like that. I’m so sorry, Tosh.”

Tosh breathed out and stared at him for a moment. He was, surprisingly, being sincere, almost the most sincere she’d ever seen him. 

“Yes, I forgive you,” she said, and he smiled at her gratefully. “But if you ever treat me like that again, I will not next time.”

“No, never,” he said, and nodded his head. Here was where a gentleman might kiss her hand - but Owen was not that, so he made no such move to do so. Instead, he nodded his head once and ran off, leaving her alone.

Figured. 

Still, she shouldn’t complain. She’d gotten an apology, which was better than getting nothing at all. And it was from Owen as well. 

She changed out of her muddy skirts - she should start being more careful about which ones she wore from now on - and repinned her hair up. She could still feel Gwen’s patient fingers brushing through them, Gwen’s body against her own, the feel of Gwen’s pale hands brushing her face, Gwen’s touch. 

It had been two days since she’d met Gwen, and it was like she’d known Gwen her entire life. 

She walked downstairs in a trance, feeling the feel of the forest floor beneath her feet, even if she wasn’t actually outside. 

She ate dinner quietly and alone. Owen didn’t show up, and Mrs. Brady had informed her that Jack, and Ianto obviously, had taken dinner in Jack’s room. It didn’t matter; she wasn’t in any mood to talk to anyone. 

Anyone but Gwen. 


	3. penult

“And those are bluebells,” Gwen pointed out, gesturing down to a field of bluey-purple beneath them. “Come help me pick them.”

Tosh had set out that morning, dressed in a plain skirt right after breakfast. For the past few weeks, Tosh had been meeting Gwen by the stream every day. Today, Gwen was wearing her usual outfit of undergarments and nothing else but had switched out her usual black skirt with a green one, another that barely grazed her shins. In her arms, she carried a wicker basket. Apparently, Gwen had intended on flower-picking today. 

“They’re gorgeous,” Tosh said, and Gwen, without saying a word, began to run down the field rapidly. It almost looked like she was flying.

“Come on,” she called out, and laughed, the sound rich and infectious, and Tosh followed her, running as fast as she could. As she reached the bottom, she accidentally plowed into Gwen, causing them both to topple over into the field. 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Tosh said, embarrassed, but Gwen didn’t seem to mind. She laughed loudly, and when Tosh rolled off her, she grabbed hold of her hand.

“Don’t be sorry,” Gwen said, looking into her eyes. Hers were a beautiful sort of green, a green that matched the glass emerald she’d taken home a few weeks ago. With a start, Tosh realized that it was the green that kept showing up in her dreams. 

Gwen leaned close, and they were almost touching,their faces a hair’s breadth away. Tosh could feel herself breathing harshly, her heart racing, her imagination running wild. 

Then the moment ended. Gwen rolled onto her back and stood, and Tosh didn’t stop her.

“Bluebells to pick!” Gwen sang out. “Come help me.”

So Tosh got up and helped Gwen pick bluebells, tossing them into her basket. Gwen sang a few songs as they worked, all in a language she didn’t understand. It wasn’t English, and she’d heard enough Gaelic to know that it wasn’t that either. 

“What language are those in?” asked Tosh. 

“The language of my people,” responded Gwen simply, then turned to her. “You know, these bluebells would look lovely in your hair.”

“Oh, I’m not so sure of that.” Tosh smiled. Gwen shook her head.

“They’d look gorgeous against that black hair,” said Gwen. “May I braid your hair?”

“Of - of course,” said Tosh. Gwen directed her to a nearby rock, and she sat, holding the wicker basket in her arms, as Gwen took out the half dozen pins she’d stuck in her hair.

It was then, when Gwen started raking through it, combing it, and plaiting it, that Tosh truly felt how magical Gwen’s fingers were. She worked deftly, taking out section by section, and dipping down to gather a bluebell every so often. Tosh secretly wished she’d braid in more - every time she went to take one, she leaned her arm against Tosh’s shoulder and touched her collarbone, just for a minute. 

It felt like being in heaven. She watched as the sun danced across the field of flowers, and Gwen’s fingers did what seemed like indecent things to her hair, touching it and pinning it and weaving flowers throughout. The wind swept across the meadow, sending the grass and flowers swirling in various patterns, almost like it was singing without words, music without noise, dance without movement. 

Gwen brushed against the back of her ear, swiftly scooping a section of hair from there, and Tosh shivered. Perhaps Gwen had felt it, because a second later, she ran a finger down the back of her ear, across her jaw, then reached out to take another flower. 

Finally, she took the pins and fitted them at the base of Tosh’s head, where her baby hair would fly loose. She ran the flat of their palm up Tosh’s neck and securely pinned them down. Her hands were warm and smooth and made Tosh  _ feel.  _

“Done,” said Gwen. “Shame I don’t have a mirror. You look exquisite.”

“The flowers must help a lot,” Tosh joked. 

“The flowers did nothing,” Gwen responded, placing her hands on Tosh’s shoulders. “It’s all you.”

Then she placed a kiss to the top of Tosh’s head, and she let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. 

“Gwen,” she started to say. “I-”

“I want to bring you somewhere,” said Gwen, coming to stand in front of her, cutting Tosh off. “Will you come with me?”

“Where?”

“My family is having a…party,” she said. “Here, tonight.”

“Tonight?” Tosh asked in surprise. “Well, I’d have to to ask-”

“Or, you could just leave and not tell anyone,” Gwen suggested with a glint in her eye. “We don’t have a lot of dances, and I’d like to bring you.”

“Where do I go?” asked Tosh. She couldn’t believe that she was genuinely considering it. 

“Just walk to the edge of the forest, where I leave you at midnight. I’ll be there.”

“Gwen,” Tosh trailed off. She wanted to go; she wanted to spend as much time as she could with her, but could she sneak out? What if Jack caught her? What if she got lost?

“Please?” Gwen pleaded, her large eyes getting impossibly wider and sadder, as if Tosh saying no would break her heart. 

“Oh, all right,” Tosh conceded, and Gwen broke into a wide smile, showing off the gap between her teeth. 

“Oh, darling, that’s wonderful,” exclaimed Gwen, leaning down and pecking Tosh on both cheeks rapidly. “Come on, we’ve got to celebrate somehow!”

Gwen grasped her hand and tugged her off the rock she was sitting on. In her haste to get up, the basket of bluebells on her lap fell over and spilled everywhere. Gwen made a disappointed noise. 

“I’m so sorry,” Tosh stammered, kneeling down to pick them up, rushing to drop them in the basket as fast as she could. Gwen made another noise, like a choked breath, and pulled Tosh up. She sat her back down to the rock and cupped her face, leaning closer. 

Tosh took a shaky breath and looked into Gwen’s eyes, her piercing green eyes, eyes that looked like they held stardust in them. Dropping her own down to stare at Gwen’s lips, she thought that, given the option, she might want to kiss them quite badly. 

She closed her eyes and leaned her head up. Gwen’s thumb came to rest on her lips, parting them gently, and she took a deep breath. Then, she opened her eyes to see Gwen staring at her with an expression that she couldn’t make out. It was longing and sadness and love and affection and regret, deep deep regret. 

“Not yet,” whispered Gwen, and let go of Tosh. “Tonight, I promise.”

Then she pulled Tosh up to her feet, and they started to walk back in silence. Tosh, because she didn’t know what to say, and Gwen because, well, Tosh didn’t exactly know why. But they were both quiet, nothing but the unearthly sounds of nothing - the forest never made noise when Tosh was with Gwen. When they reached their usual parting spot, Gwen kissed the back of her hand again, like she usually did. But today, she didn’t let go, pulling Tosh’s hand to the middle of her chest, shutting her eyes and keeping it there. 

“Tonight?” she finally asked. 

“Tonight,” Tosh promised, and with a last look back, Gwen darted into the forest. 

She’d have to make a game plan. She couldn’t  _ just _ leave; she needed to be sure that everyone was asleep. Most of the staff would be sure to leave her alone. Jack and Ianto wouldn’t leave Jack’s room after dinner. That just left Owen - if he wasn’t in his room, he’d be pacing downstairs, which would be a problem. She either had to hope he was drinking that night or she would have to jump out the window. 

Her stomach tossed and turned, butterflies up and down. She wasn’t sure if it was because she was sneaking out of her house or because she was going to see Gwen again. 

_ And perhaps she’ll do what you wanted to do this afternoon,  _ her treacherous brain added. 

That night, when Tosh and Jack dined alone, she was quiet. She picked at her dinner, almost unable to swallow down any of it, something that Jack apparently noticed.

“Your hair looks lovely,” Jack started to say. “I’ve never seen that style on you before.”

“Thanks,” she mumbled, and went back to drinking her soup.

“Are you - alright?” asked Jack, squinting his eyes in concern. “You’ve been so distant these few weeks, and you haven’t touched your projects in days.”

“I’m fine,” she said, smiling falsely. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You know you can always talk to me about anything, right?” said Jack, laying a friendly hand over her own.  _ The hand that Gwen touched,  _ her brain whispered. 

“I know,” said Tosh. “But really, everything’s fine.”

“Okay,” responded Jack. “I love you; I hope you know that. I hope I’m not overstepping any bounds by telling you that I think of you as a daughter, right?”

“Of course not,” exclaimed Tosh, staring at him horrified. “You must know that I think of you as a father too?”

Jack smiled, a big sunny smile that lit up his face, and squeezed her hand. He seemed to be satisfied with her answer, because he didn’t talk much afterwards. He finished his dinner, kissed the top of her head, and wished her a good night and a good rest. 

Tosh climbed up to her room and looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair was still braided with the bluebells which glowed with an unearthly beauty in the moonlight. Her face would do, she supposed. And her dress was suitable, though she’d probably want to wear her thick coat - who knew how cold the night air would be? 

She paced around her room until the clock struck twelve, then quickly wrapped on her coat and quietly opened the door. Tip-toeing across the floor, she made it to the base of the stairs, where she crept down, holding the railing firm and making sure not to step on the creaky one. 

Peering into the main hall, she bit back a smile when she saw that Owen was not pacing through it, and she quickly darted across it, walking into the cold kitchen. She pried open the back door and slid out, making sure to close it but leave it unlocked so she could return home. 

Tosh ran fast into the woods, and after a couple paces, she saw her. Gwen, her hands clasped behind her back, staring into the distance away from her. She had on nothing to protect her from the cold air, no coat, no hat, no shoes, just her usual uniform of exposed underthings - shirt, skirt, and corset. 

“Gwen,” she called out. “I’m here.”

Gwen turned slowly. She looked different - there was a strange air to her; the otherworldliness she radiated seemed to be stronger. Gwen glowed in the sun, but she shined in the moon, exposed skin almost silver, hair darker, almost deeper, and her eyes - they gleamed like little emeralds in the dark. 

“Hello, darling,” she said, smiling widely. “You came.”

“I promised,” said Tosh. She quickly unbuttoned her coat and pulled it off, handing it to Gwen. The cold wind hit her body, and Tosh shivered but motioned at Gwen to take it. She would rather be cold than Gwen get frostbite. 

“Put your coat back, darling; you’ll get cold,” Gwen said, looking at her with large concerned eyes. 

“Aren’t you cold?” asked Tosh, teeth clattering. “It’s for you.”

“I’m not cold,” said Gwen. She took the coat from her and wrapped it around Tosh, pulling her arms inside and fastening the buttons one by one until she was kneeling on the floor, looking up at her. Gwen paused for a moment, looking at Tosh’s skirts, before rising and holding out her hand.

“Shall we go?” she asked. 

They walked briskly through the forest, the night casting shadows everywhere that worried Tosh but didn’t faze Gwen. A few times, Gwen caught both of Tosh’s hands between her own and rubbed them, sending warm heat to her chilly hands. However, the more they started walking, the warmer it got, to the point that even her coat seemed unnecessary. When she brought this up to Gwen, she just laughed. 

“That means we’re getting closer,” she said. “Come fast. It’s already started.”

They ran after that, Gwen first and Tosh after, sprinting as fast as they could until Tosh’s vision turned pitch black and she couldn’t see anything, only felt the strong grip of Gwen’s hand in hers. 

“Gwen,” she cried out. “I can’t see anything!”

“Just keep running,” came Gwen’s voice. “Don’t stop, please don’t stop.”

The black surrounding kept going and going until it suddenly morphed into green, emerald green, just like in her dreams, just like Gwen’s eyes, and Tosh started to panic even more. 

“Keep running.” She heard Gwen say. So she did. She ran and ran and ran, only Gwen’s hand as a tether until finally her vision cleared and she found herself in a strange place. 

All around her were tall objects in a circle, perhaps trees, but trees didn’t look like that. They had wide bases and a flat top overhead, with twinkling golden lights dripping from each one, hanging like little suns, illuminating the rest of the field. The floor underneath them looked like grass, jutting tall from the ground, and it was hot, hotter than it had been in months, hot enough for Tosh to want to take off her bulky coat. 

All around her were people in various states of undress, dancing around each other, moving in a circle. There were men and women in the nude, brushing up against each other, men and men, women and women, even a group of several people flowing together, their bodies moving to the ethereal harmony coming from the musicians in the middle of the circle, they too similarly undressed. 

She turned to see Gwen, who was taking off her corset to expose her flowy shirt and skirt, both sheer enough for Tosh to see through them. She blushed at the sight, but something about Gwen was even more different. 

She realized it slowly. Gwen’s face was more angular, her eyes bigger and wider, and her ears - they were pointed at the tips. Then she realized that everyone around her had ears like that, pointed up. 

“Aren’t you hot?” asked Gwen. “Take something off.”

“Where are we?” asked Tosh. “Where is this place? What was that tunnel?”

“This is my home,” replied Gwen. “Why don’t you take off your coat at least?”

“What are you?” Tosh demanded. 

“Please, come dance with me first,” Gwen said. “Then I’ll explain everything.”

In the end, Tosh agreed to take off both her coat, bodice, and outer skirt, but she wouldn’t give up anything else, embarrassed at the thought of standing next to everyone in her combinations. Or, worse, wearing nothing at all. Gwen didn’t push, just showing her a place to keep her belongings. But she did insist that Tosh take off her shoes and stockings, something that she very reluctantly did. 

Then she brought Tosh over to the dancing floor, joining hands with her and skipping around in circles, dancing to the beat of the rhythm. Their feet tipped and tapped, banging in tune under the soft grass, which didn’t feel much like grass at all; rather, it felt like silk underneath the pads of her feet. 

Before long, Gwen moved closer and closer to her, throwing her hands over Tosh’s shoulders and pressing herself to Tosh, until they were spinning in circles, hugging and laughing. Tosh felt an impulse to get even closer, so she wrapped her hands around Gwen’s waist, bunching her fingers in the fine cloth of Gwen’s shirt. They swayed together, up and down and up again, dancing in circle after circle until Tosh could not bear it. She pulled away slightly and leaned forwards, about to kiss Gwen. 

Gwen smiled, then shook her head. “Not here,” she whispered, and led Tosh away, who followed her, who would follow her almost anywhere, to behind one of the huge tree-like objects, where they were finally alone. 

She gracefully slid down, and Tosh sat next to her, still holding her hand. Tosh turned to stare into her eyes, her lovely emerald eyes, and whispered the question again. 

“What are you?”

Gwen smiled, a kind smile, and held out her hand. Tosh took it, and she  _ knew;  _ she saw the true reality of the tunnel they’d entered through, the fractals of light, the changing of time, the withering of nature in the autumn and the rebirth in the spring, from the beginning of reality to the end - she was experiencing time as Gwen did for a moment, all of reality bent to her will, both in the Earth and outside, both in the Torchwood Estate and out of phase with the universe at all time, and at the center was she, Tosh, holding onto the hand of an otherworldly being, one that could have crushed her with a snap of her fingers but chose to help her, to touch her and to feel her and to  _ love _ her. 

“Oh,” said Tosh, unable to vocalize anything else. 

“Yes,” whispered Gwen. “I believe you call us the Fair Folk.”

She removed her hand and with it the feeling of being infinite, and Tosh fell, overwhelmed by both the loss of sensation and the overstimulation of everything she touched, fell down onto the ground and sobbed, sobbed loudly, the pain in her very soul present. Gwen gently lifted her and placed Tosh’s head in her lap, stroking her hair gently, letting her cry herself out until that  _ feeling  _ went away. 

Eventually, the tears abated, and Tosh once again returned to normal, sensations gone, nothing but the warm touch of Gwen’s hand in her hair and Gwen’s thighs against her face. She tried to sit up, but Gwen pushed her back down, continuing to card through her hair. 

“That first time I saw you, that first time we held hands, I couldn’t help myself,” Gwen explained. “I let a little of my true-self out, and you took it magnificently. I was smitten from the beginning.”

“You liked me because I could handle your - what was it?” Tosh asked. 

“My true-self,” Gwen said. “And no. I was attracted to you because of that. I love you because you are the most brilliant human I have ever met. Trust me, I’ve met a lot of humans.”

“Will you kiss me?” asked Tosh, surprising herself with how bold she was being. She pulled her head off Gwen’s lap and stared at her, daring her to do something. 

“Why would I deny you that?” asked Gwen, with a twinkling look in her eye. She reached out and cupped Tosh’s cheek, much like she did in the meadow. However, this time, she didn’t move away. Tosh leaned forwards, and Gwen leaned forwards, and they pressed their lips together, kissing deeply. Tosh felt more of Gwen’s true-self slipping into her as they kissed, hands roaming over each other and bodies pressed together. She felt alive, outside of both the Earth realm and the Fae realm, mind melting until all she could feel was  _ Gwen, Gwen, Gwen,  _ nothing but her name, her body, her lips,  _ her,  _ again and again and again. When they finally stopped, Tosh thought she might faint. 

“I’ve never been kissed before,” said Tosh finally, still feeling like she might need to gasp for air. 

“Oh, I intend to kiss you all night.” Gwen smirked. “Everywhere.”

And she pulled Tosh back in for another one. 

A while later, perhaps it had been minutes, perhaps it had been hours, maybe even days, when both Tosh and Gwen were laying next to each other on the silken grass, both unclothed, both thoroughly satisfied, Tosh turned her head to rest on Gwen’s chest, breathing in the scent of  _ sakura.  _ She softly rubbed the expanse of Gwen’s stomach with her free hand, almost unable to speak words. 

“Do you know why I asked you here?” asked Gwen, whispering softly into the night. “Humans aren’t generally allowed in the Fae realm.”

“Why?” asked Tosh. “Are you going to get in trouble?”

“I want you to stay,” said Gwen. “You’d live forever, with me, here in the Fae realm. This isn’t just a dance. It’s a Fae dance. It’ll go on as long as you wish. We can be content, forever. All you have to do is give me your name, and you can stay.”

“What about my family?” asked Tosh. “I don’t want to never see them again. And what about my projects? Can I do them here?”

“You can do whatever you’d like here,” said Gwen patiently. “I’ll show you my place; you can work out of there, do whatever you’d like. This is a place of joy, of love.”

“What about my family?”

“What about them?”

“Well, how often can they come visit?” asked Tosh.

“Aren’t I enough for you?” asked Gwen, sounding genuinely confused, and for the first time, Tosh felt something other than love, a sort of anger towards her, this  _ being _ that couldn’t and wouldn’t understand why she needed her family. 

“I need my family too,” Tosh said, rather unkindly. “It’s not about whether or not you’re enough. I won’t be happy without them.”

“They’re just humans,” Gwen sneered. “Why do you need them to be happy?”

“I’m human!” said Tosh angrily, and got off Gwen, rummaging for her clothes. She started to put them on furiously, and Gwen stared at her, still looking confused. 

“You’re angry with me,” stated Gwen, raising an eyebrow. It reminded her of Ianto, which made her feel even more angry. And guilty - so guilty for sneaking out of her house, for taking advantage of Jack’s love for her. And oh-so-guilty that, for a moment, she’d actually considered it, considered staying. 

“Yes,” Tosh said flatly. “You don’t think of me as a human, but I am one. And I’d like to be returned home now.”

“Darling,” Gwen pleaded. “Think of how happy we’ll be together.”

“We would be,” said Tosh. “But I won’t leave my family - I can’t.”

“Please, darling, just tell me your name,” Gwen said, looking at her with her big eyes, looking like they might shed tears. “Please?”

For a second, Tosh thought about what it might be like to live here forever, live with Gwen forever. 

“Home,” she demanded. “I’m not leaving them.”

“Fine!” Gwen said, looking at her in disdain. She snapped her fingers, and then the world turned black. 


	4. denouement

Tosh awoke to a pounding headache. She sat up, groaning, and found that she was lying on the ground right in front of the house. 

“Toshiko,” yelled a voice from nearby. It was Jack, followed closely by Ianto and Owen, running up to her. “Toshiko!”

She groaned, rubbing her head, and Jack kneeled down and seized her into a big embrace, almost squeezing the life out of her. 

“Oh, Toshiko,” he whispered, kissing her on the cheek. “We’ve been so worried!”

“What,” she managed to say before she was cut off by Jack again. 

“Ianto, go notify the police that she’s been found. Owen, come here and take a look at her.”

“On it,” said Ianto and ran away. Owen came up to her and kneeled down, giving her a polite smile. 

“What are you talking about?” asked Tosh. “I was in bed, then I woke up here-”

She cut off as she remembered exactly what had happened. Gwen, sneaking out, making a choice, and evidently making one that Gwen did not like. 

“What was the date that you last remember?” asked Owen, concerned. She rattled off the date that she snuck out and he swore. Jack continued to gently stroke her head, just like Gwen did, that night. 

Oh, Gwen.

“It’s been a week,” said Owen unhappily. “You’ve lost a week.”

“It’s been a week since what?”

“Since you were kidnapped.”

Whatever else Owen said or did went by in a blur, Tosh understanding none of it. She was somehow escorted into the bathing room, and Mrs. Brady and a few other maids poured steaming water into the bathtub and helped her peel the sticky, mud-splattered clothes she was wearing away from her body. Then she asked them to leave; she didn’t need help bathing. She wasn’t a child.

Tosh gingerly lowered herself into the bath, feeling the heat of the water soothe her aching joints. She felt like she’d gone three rounds with a bear, and her body felt bruised and battered all over. As she leaned her head against the edge of the bathtub, she wondered how this had come to be her life. 

Had she simply hallucinated it all?

No, she couldn’t have. There was nothing in this world that could have caused her to come up with such a creature like Gwen. Tosh’s imagination was limited at the best of times, nothing she could think of would even compare to Gwen. It was unfortunate that she had cocked it up. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever be able to see Gwen again. 

And yet, she knew, deep in her heart, that without her family, she would not be completely happy with her. Nothing she said or did would cause her to abandon them. 

Perhaps this was her lot in life. A lover that she could never truly be with and nothing but the cool unemotionality of machines to keep her company. She would never marry; she was sure of it. No one would ever compare to Gwen, and it would be unfair of her to place the expectations of someone like Gwen onto a stuffy lord who probably just wanted a “strange-looking” wife. 

She soaped up her arms, remembering how tenderly Gwen touched her. She poured water over herself to wash away the soap, and she remembered the coolness of the water, that day Gwen had taught her how to skip rocks. And as she wiped herself dry, she thought bleakly of a life without Gwen and started to sob. 

The days went on by, sad and grey. 

It was unfortunate how attached Tosh had grown. She couldn’t go anywhere without seeing reminders of Gwen. She saw her in the reflection on the silver, in the blue dress that Jack bought her to replace her muddy one, even in the ink that used to calculate her equations. 

And it was those equations once more that were her saving grace. Without them, she assumed she would have gone mad. It was easy to get lost in the scratch of ink against paper, of pure mathematics, rational mathematics, diametrically opposed to feelings and fancies and love. It was those equations that she sunk hours upon hours of work into, testing hypothesis after hypothesis, premise after premise. She rarely spent any time out of the library anymore, not even for meals. 

She had lost her taste for food if she was being honest. Everything tasted like dust to her; nothing caught her fancy. She’d eat breakfast if she got up earlier than everyone else, but if not, the only meal she’d properly have was dinner. Where she’d put her head down, chew her meat, and leave as soon as possible. Nothing was good anymore, nothing was tasty, nothing made her feel  _ anything _ . 

Perhaps Jack, Ianto, and Owen had all noticed that she was no longer in any fit mood, because they kept trying to drag her into conversations that she did not want to be a part of. Owen kept dropping by the library, pretending to be interested in what she was studying. Usually she’d answer the first question, then pointedly say she was busy and ignore him.

Ianto, on the other hand, kept bringing her little snacks throughout the day and trying to engage her in some mindless talk about anything at all, like the weather, or the latest scandal in town, or how big his nephew was getting. She appreciated his effort, but she didn’t respond properly to his comments, and she didn’t touch the food he brought it. For some reason, he kept doing it, but Tosh was sure that, given time, he’d stop it. No one wanted to talk to someone who was so clearly not responding. 

It was Jack who was the hard one. Ianto and Owen could be fobbed off with little effort and only a minor feeling of guilt. Jack, on the other hand, would try and talk to her during dinner and when not talking, would look at her with a concerned, pitiful expression, one that made Tosh feel extremely guilty. She didn’t mean to make him feel like that; she loved him.

After all, she’d given up “paradise” for him. 

There was nothing to be done. If she wasn’t sucked into her projects, she often just stared out the window for hours on end, feeling a longing to enter the forest again but never quite daring to. It wouldn’t be fair, to either her or Gwen. So she just stared bleakly outside, fiddling with her new necklace. 

She’d taken the flat stone that turned into an emerald and looped wire around it, fashioning it into a pendant that she wore beneath her clothes at all times. It held a certain warmth within it, perhaps because it might have been from the Fae realm or because it contained a bit of Gwen’s true-self. It hung from Tosh’s neck at all times, and at moments when she felt the most melancholic, she pulled it out to play with, holding the pendant and twisting the chain clockwise and counterclockwise. 

On days like today, when the feeling of aloneness, of loss, and of heartbreak were too much for her to handle, she’d climb up to her room and sit on the windowsill, watching the forest from her perch. She took out her necklace and started fiddling with the chain, wishing she was not so alone. Wishing that there had been any other way, so that she would not have to leave her. 

She rested her face against the cool glass. It was so different from the feel of Gwen’s skin against hers. She missed that otherworldly glow, that ethereal warmth, that smile that Gwen used to give her. 

She even missed that little gap between her teeth. 

Unbeknownst to her, tears started dripping from her eyes, and she only noticed when one fell onto the pendant. Cursing, she quickly wiped it off with her sleeve, but she couldn’t stop the near onslaught of tears on its way. 

If there was a stronger word than heartbroken, she’d use it to describe herself at the moment. 

She fell asleep against the window, seated precariously on the windowsill. She awoke in a forest, Gwen’s forest - she could not call it her own anymore - and looked around. How did she get here?

“Darling,” came Gwen’s voice, sad and weak. She whirled around to see her and gasped. 

Her hair was stringy and unkempt, her clothes were torn and parts were muddy, and her feet were bleeding, twigs and stones sticking out from them. That wasn’t even the worst part. 

The worst part was her eyes. Gwen’s beautiful, shining eyes were dulled, clouded over, and filled with pain and loss and regret. And melancholy, so much melancholy, that it made Tosh want to cry. And yet, despite everything, she still held a sort of air to her, that showed how inhuman, how unchanging she was. 

Tosh wondered how she hadn’t noticed it before.

“Your feet,” Tosh exclaimed. “You said that you wouldn’t get hurt.”

“I’m grieving,” said Gwen. “And this isn’t real anyway.”

“What?”

“This place, this forest where you hear your mother’s voice, it’s a gateway. But it’s not real.”

“You’re not real?” Tosh asked, looking on in horror.

“No, darling, I am,” said Gwen, smiling wearily. “But it’s more... metaphorical. I am grieving, so I show up in your dream as wounded. So are you, by the way.” 

Tosh looked down and found that she was, in fact, bleeding quite heavily from her stomach. There was an open wound there, festering and looked like it might hurt painfully, but when Tosh touched a finger to it, she was shocked when not only could she touch it with no pain, she could press on it harshly and still feel nothing.

“See,” said Gwen. “Metaphorical.”

“Why am I here?” asked Tosh. “I don’t usually see you here. It’s usually a nightmare.”

“I needed to see you again, but I can’t leave the forest,” said Gwen. “I’m bound to it, unless something of mine is brought outside the forest. And that is hard; the forest does not take kindly to those trying to lure away one of her own.”

“You know what I think,” said Tosh, ready to cry again. “You know I can’t-”

“-I know,” said Gwen. “I know now, they mean a lot to you, and I shouldn’t have forced you to choose between them.”

“What are you saying?” asked Tosh. 

“There is a way,” Gwen said, with some difficulty. “You must come take a thing of mine out of the forest, and I may come to you. Then, when you have lived out the life you want, with the family member you want, I will take you into the forest with me, back into the Fae realm.”

Tosh thought about that for a moment. How would that work? Then she remembered the truth. There was no time to Gwen, no timeline, no plane of existence. Time was a tool that she could bend and fold and morph and  _ snap  _ if she so desired. The laws of time had no grasp over Gwen; she could do with it what she pleased. 

“You’d live with me?” Tosh asked. “You’d live with humans?”

“It shall be difficult,” said Gwen, a teasing smile on her face. “But I’d do anything for you.”

“You would?”

“Yes,” she said. And then Gwen held out her hand, and Tosh took it. Gwen pulled her hand up to kiss it, smiled, then pulled Tosh closer to kiss her. 

“Now is the hard part,” said Gwen. “You’ve got to find something from the forest which is mine and bring it back.”

“Wait,” said Tosh. “You said the lake you took me to was yours, right?”

“Yes, I’m connected to that lake in specific,” said Gwen. “But what does that have to do with-”

She cut off as Tosh reached down her bodice and pulled out the emerald pendant, the one she never went anywhere without anymore. She held it out to show, and it gleamed with an unearthly green light. It shined and shimmered, and within seconds, Gwen returned to what she normally looked like. 

“You,” Gwen said, stupefied. 

“I took it,” said Tosh. “I wanted to have something to remember you by.”

“And the forest let you,” whispered Gwen, touching the emerald in reverence. “The lake revealed its true-self to you.”

“The lake’s true-self?”

“Yes,” said Gwen. “It hides its jewels as rocks, so that any travelers that come upon it with ill intentions will not see its real form. But it revealed itself to you.”

“Will that count?” Tosh asked. “Do I have to go get anything else?”

“No,” said Gwen, smiling radiantly. “This will work. When you wake up, travel into the forest. Only a few paces in should work. Then hold out the pendant and call out my name. Then, most important, turn around and walk home. Do not look behind you.”

“Can I bring anyone with me?” Tosh asked. 

“Go alone,” said Gwen. “Tell your family to stay outside the forest. I’ll see you soon.”

“Do I have to go now?” asked Tosh, leaning close to her, kissing her cheek. “Why can’t we stay a little longer?”

“Because this isn’t real,” said Gwen gently. “Wake up and get me, darling.”

Then she pushed Tosh away from her, and she fell down a deep deep black hole, falling and falling and falling until-

Tosh woke up with a start. Her face felt cold, but she reached up to touch the pendant. It was hot and gleaming, and she knew what she had to do. 

Jumping off the windowsill, she raced out of the room and down the stairs. She ran past the door, and Jack called out to her. 

“Tosh, where are you going?” Jack asked.

“Go inside, Jack; I’ll explain everything in a few minutes. Please!” she yelled, and ran into the forest. One, two, three paces, and then she stopped. 

She pulled out the pendant, once warm, that was now glowing red hot, painful to touch and wear, painful to even look at, really. She planted her feet, firm into the squishy mud, and held it out in her hand, the emerald burning her hand, scalding her skin, hurting, hurting, hurting.

“Gwen,” she yelled. “I’m here!”

Then she turned around and started walking back. It seemed to take ages, almost ages, far more than it did to get to that spot. The forest stretched out for acres in front of her and she understood now; she understood why it was. The forest wasn’t willing to let one of its own go; it was deliberately making it longer. 

She walked and walked and walked and walked, her feet turning to mush, her hands burned, her lungs gasping, craving, longing for breath that it wasn’t getting, but on she walked, for Gwen, for her family, and finally, she saw the outline of the house, and she broke out into a sprint, darting fast, running faster than she ever had run before, and she broke through the forest and into the clear. 

She turned around and cried out when she saw no one behind her. Had she done it wrong? Did Gwen not want her anymore? 

“Gwen!” she yelled. “Gwen, please!”

“I’m here, darling,” came her voice from behind her, and there stood Gwen, barefoot and wearing her indecent amount of clothes and smiling, smiling widely. Tosh shouted and threw herself at Gwen, hugging her fiercely. 

Then she pulled away a little bit and stared into Gwen’s eyes, her hands around her waist, and smiled. 

“My name is Toshiko Sato,” she said, almost crying in relief and joy and  _ love.  _

“Hello, Toshiko,” Gwen said softly, grinning ear to ear. “May I kiss you now?”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos/Comments are always appreciated! 
> 
> Find me on tumblr [here](https://violetmessages.tumblr.com/) and you can repost this fic on tumblr [here](https://violetmessages.tumblr.com/post/641400182640181248/to-the-waters-and-the-wild-chapter-4). I hope you have a great day!


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